For a long time I've tried to talk and walk a good fight against my demons, but have never been able to do more than just push them back or deny I'm fighting them from outright stubbornness or poor insight into myself...
Well, that all ends now.
Last week and a bit I feel I've turned a corner somewhere in my psyche and come face to face with all the demons that exist within me. I am not, and will not, going to pretend that this will somehow magically make them vanish. It will be a long, hard fight but, I'm a tough stubborn bastard; I will win.
So. No more:
- Imagining myself to be the cause of all the problems my friends face.
- Imagining myself to be doomed to become the same broken, user kind of person my poor mother was.
- Feeling abandoned, unwanted and useless just because other people have busy lives that can make communicating with them difficult.
- Persecuting myself endlessly for mistakes instead of learning from them.
- Lacking trust in myself and so projecting that outwards.
- Feeling I'm being pushed out when friends suggest changes or additions to my ideas...
- Feeling that I have to organise things all on my own, and so that friends will want to do the same, leading to inevitable break downs that scar me from going forward.
- Keeping my emotions locked up til they explode or so much that they don't come out making me seem indifferent.
- Feeling I have to face my problems on my own.
- Being too afraid to try something new, whether an idea or actual thing.
- Feeling I'm in any sense competing with friends when we're cooperating on something.
Like I said, this isn't just magically gonna happen overnight, I will have to keep working at it constantly but knowing is half the battle - the hardest half.
All I ask is, knowing I have failed badly in the past, the trust and patience of those people I'm so honoured to call "friends"
In other news dad's foot was pretty much destroyed, bone wise, by the septic infection so he's lost the lower portion of his leg. Good news, it's healing extremely fast. Bad news, rehab place he's in treat EVERYONE like they're prisoners (man who's had diabetes for 7 years can't be trusted with his own insulin...) and are rude into the bargain.
Sadly looks like like one of the ducks is on her way out, her lower leg has a horrible swelling and she's not moving on it if she can help it, might have to put the poor thing out of her misery